Exposed

 

Privacy is important to me.

Although I might share my heart with someone one on one, or with trusted friends and family, for some reason I find it difficult to disclose my inner-most in the written word or bring attention to myself.

Mind spasms and writhing anxieties consume me when I even think about it.

I read others written words.  They are baring their souls to the world.   Sharing their shortcomings, their failures, their fears, their terrible bad thing.

Those things are hard.    It requires caring enough to help others by sharing the ugly part of yourself.

How do they do that?   I want so badly to have that kind of courage.

So God can use me to have an effect somehow.

So here I go.

I am absolutely terrible at and embarrassed by self promotion and too prideful to share my deep dark.

I guess it does boil down to pride.

Today I was interviewed for a local Christian television program.   Surprisingly to me,  I had been invited to share my testimony in what will be a public forum.   Thank you Jesus!  

My testimony is the same as others.  It's Glorious!   God has done amazing things in my life.  He has saved me, changed me, made me new, born again, provided and sheltered. He does this for all His children.

We are admonished to always be ready to give a reason for the hope and the joy that is within us.  So I was happy glad and agreed to show up and share... although inside my belly was jelly and I was in a tizzy all week until the day of the recording, excited and understandably nervous at the prospect.

I'm always ready to share my testimony and share Jesus with others.   Always.

It is a struggle and battle royal to promote myself, even though God has given me the ability and mission to share Him with others in speaking, teaching, and in the written word.

So this happened.

The gentleman began the interview and started out by asking about my e-book, "Splattered Faith". 

What?  I was taken aback because I was totally prepared to share my story, but not prepared at all to answer questions about the book I wrote.

It took a lot of courage for me to even put together an e-book and send it out there for the world.   It takes even more bravery for me to share it on social media and ask people to "Hey! Go read my book!"

Every time I share something from my blog, I cringe inside.

Ennywhoo:

Thinking that I was going to share how wonderful God has been to me and then maybe throw in on the side at the end of the interview, maybe,  "Oh, yeah, I have a little e-book on Amazon if anyone is interested at all .. thank you very much.  That's all folks!"  I was completely caught off guard and struggling to answer his questions.

Driving home, I was just sick inside and my mind was going 50 different directions wondering how in the world did I end up in that seat answering those questions and what did I even say out loud anyway?   Did I make sense?  Did I repeat myself? Did I ramble?  

Did I look silly?  Did I embarrass myself?  

Pride.   Worried about embarrassing myself by promoting myself.  

God gave me this incredible opportunity to share what He has done.  And I'm worried about being embarrassed when I am not actually promoting myself, but promoting Him!

I have battled pride all my life.   Not that I think I am better than others at all.  I don't.  

It's just that I have an  issue.

It is a struggle with self esteem.   It's a fury inside me that dreads public embarrassment.   

God says "Kathy, get over yourself."

And then He shows me this:

"Because the Sovereign LORD helps me, I will not be disgraced. Therefore, I have set my face like a stone, determined to do his will. And I know that I will not be put to shame." Isaiah 50:7 (NLT)

I have no idea what I looked like, sounded like, or said in this interview.    I haven't seen it yet.

I do know that before I even got to the studio, I had prayed.  I have been praying all week that He would put His words in my mouth and use them somehow to reach somebody.

God has always answered my prayers.   

I trust that He answered this one also. 

How can I live a "Nevertheless" life if I am afraid?

This has given me courage!  This has allowed me to set my face like a stone and do His will.

I will not be disgraced. 

God is never disgraced.

If you have a story to tell, do not be afraid.  Tell it!

If God has given you a vision or a work to do, do not be afraid.  

Step out in faith, and He will fulfill it.