Wednesday, January 24, 2018

Exposed

 shame embarassed GIF

Privacy is important to me.

Although I might share my heart with someone one on one, or with trusted friends and family, for some reason I find it difficult to disclose my inner-most in the written word or bring attention to myself.

Mind spasms and writhing anxieties consume me when I even think about it.

I read others written words.  They are baring their souls to the world.   Sharing their shortcomings, their failures, their fears, their terrible bad thing.

Those things are hard.    It requires caring enough to help others by sharing the ugly part of yourself.

How do they do that?   I want so badly to have that kind of courage.

So God can use me to have an effect somehow.

So here I go.

I am absolutely terrible at and embarrassed by self promotion and too prideful to share my deep dark.

I guess it does boil down to pride.

Today I was interviewed for a local Christian television program.   Surprisingly to me,  I had been invited to share my testimony in what will be a public forum.   Thank you Jesus!  

My testimony is the same as others.  It's Glorious!   God has done amazing things in my life.  He has saved me, changed me, made me new, born again, provided and sheltered. He does this for all His children.

We are admonished to always be ready to give a reason for the hope and the joy that is within us.  So I was happy glad and agreed to show up and share... although inside my belly was jelly and I was in a tizzy all week until the day of the recording, excited and understandably nervous at the prospect.

I'm always ready to share my testimony and share Jesus with others.   Always.

It is a struggle and battle royal to promote myself, even though God has given me the ability and mission to share Him with others in speaking, teaching, and in the written word.

So this happened.

The gentleman began the interview and started out by asking about my e-book, "Splattered Faith". 

What?  I was taken aback because I was totally prepared to share my story, but not prepared at all to answer questions about the book I wrote.

It took a lot of courage for me to even put together an e-book and send it out there for the world.   It takes even more bravery for me to share it on social media and ask people to "Hey! Go read my book!"

Every time I share something from my blog, I cringe inside.

Ennywhoo:

Thinking that I was going to share how wonderful God has been to me and then maybe throw in on the side at the end of the interview, maybe,  "Oh, yeah, I have a little e-book on Amazon if anyone is interested at all .. thank you very much.  That's all folks!"  I was completely caught off guard and struggling to answer his questions.

Driving home, I was just sick inside and my mind was going 50 different directions wondering how in the world did I end up in that seat answering those questions and what did I even say out loud anyway?   Did I make sense?  Did I repeat myself? Did I ramble?  

Did I look silly?  Did I embarrass myself?  

Pride.   Worried about embarrassing myself by promoting myself.  

God gave me this incredible opportunity to share what He has done.  And I'm worried about being embarrassed when I am not actually promoting myself, but promoting Him!

I have battled pride all my life.   Not that I think I am better than others at all.  I don't.  

It's just that I have an  issue.

It is a struggle with self esteem.   It's a fury inside me that dreads public embarrassment.   

God says "Kathy, get over yourself."

And then He shows me this:

"Because the Sovereign LORD helps me, I will not be disgraced. Therefore, I have set my face like a stone, determined to do his will. And I know that I will not be put to shame." Isaiah 50:7 (NLT)

I have no idea what I looked like, sounded like, or said in this interview.    I haven't seen it yet.

I do know that before I even got to the studio, I had prayed.  I have been praying all week that He would put His words in my mouth and use them somehow to reach somebody.

God has always answered my prayers.   

I trust that He answered this one also. 

How can I live a "Nevertheless" life if I am afraid?

This has given me courage!  This has allowed me to set my face like a stone and do His will.

I will not be disgraced. 

God is never disgraced.

If you have a story to tell, do not be afraid.  Tell it!

If God has given you a vision or a work to do, do not be afraid.  

Step out in faith, and He will fulfill it.


 





 

Ocean

The ocean soothes me. It reminds me of how huge and mighty is our God.

It amazes me that the ocean can just lap at the sand on the beach in gentle little ripples. How in the world can a body of water so hugely heavy and powerful just gently caress the shore one day then rave and pound the sand on the next as though it is battling the beach for its very existence?

We do that.   Or I do.   One day I'm fine.   The next I want to scream at the world in resistance to circumstance or dark pain.


I choose to live without timidity in this battle. I choose to fan the flame of the gift that God has put in me and live in His spirit of power and love and self discipline. (2 Timothy)

Days of peace in my spirit even though the storm rages around me.   Even though the toilet overflows or the bills are past due, or emotions flood my being, I will keep His peace as I battle on.

Because He has already won.


Thirty.

Thirty.

Thirty things.

I walked through my house today and deliberately counted the things that I would not leave behind were I to move.  

Besides family pictures, clothing, dishes and whatnot, you know?   I wanted to have an idea of what items in my home really mean anything to me.  

Is thirty things a lot?  Or is it a small amount?  

I don't know.

I laughed because in the end, none of it means anything.   

Sunday, October 8, 2017

Little Girl Dreams





As a little girl, I had a lot of dreams about the future. 

Some of them were pretty silly, but hey!  Little girls get to be silly.

I wanted to be a missionary, a teacher, a  stewardess, a nurse, a mother, a go-go dancer, a ballerina, an actress.  I wanted to be on American Band Stand and I wanted to marry Elvis... and then I wanted to marry Mickey Dolenz of "The Monkees" fame even though everyone else was in love with Davy Jones.

This dates me, but one of the most popular songs and one of my favorites as a small child was Doris Day's

"Que Sera, Sera"

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother
What will I be
Will I be pretty
Will I be rich
Here's what she said to me

Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours to see
Que sera, sera
What will be, will be

When I grew up and fell in love
I asked my sweetheart
What lies ahead
Will we have rainbows
Day after day
Here's what my sweetheart said

Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours to see
Que sera, sera

Now I have Children of my own
They ask their mother
What will I be
Will I be handsome
Will I be rich
I tell them tenderly

Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours to see
Que sera, sera
What will be, will be
Que Sera, Sera

If you get to be very old at all, you realize the truth in these lyrics.   The future is not ours to see.   I don't know that any of us would be brave enough to carry on if we could actually see the future.

The lingo now is:  "It is what it is."    I detest when someone uses this phrase, as though a situation can not be changed.  But you can not deny the truth of it.    Sometimes it just is what it is.

But "it" can be changed when you have the audacity to believe that God is working even in the most trying and difficult circumstances.   When you believe that whatever the outcome, God will turn it to your good and His glory.

Though we can not see the future, our futures can be more amazing than we could imagine when we give our future and our plans and our circumstances to God.  When we let Him make the arrangements and do the work in us.

Little girls dream big.   God's dream for us is even bigger and better!






Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Launched








Yes.
I'm done.

Done waiting for something to happen.
Done waiting for life to happen.

Done thinking that I am going to accomplish 'great things' for God.

Done with myself.

I am a member of the body.
Each member has its own function.
My function is to study the Word of God and to share it with others.     

Other people have their own function within the body.
It is theirs.
Mine is not the same as theirs.
Theirs is not the same as mine.

They are all equally important.

If God wants me to share it with one other or with a million others, that's up to Him.

I have been waiting around for something amazing to happen.
Waiting for God to open a door for ministry that would launch me out there.

I read blogs of others wishing I could write like them.

I hear stories of others ministries and wish I had one of my own.

Missionaries send reports and I want to go where they are.

I have been discontent... wanting what others have.

He just wants me to study and learn and share.
It already happened and the memory of it is indelibly printed within.
I have been launched, although I didn't feel the bottle of champagne burst against my hull.

His spirit moves within me.   
And you?



.



Friday, January 13, 2017

Bad Burger - Lesson Learned

At a local fast food place this evening, the young lady behind the register asked if she could help me and I began telling her my order.

While I was giving her my order, my cashier kept looking at the person next to me who was also placing her order with another cashier.

My young distracted cashier wasn't focused on me or what I was saying. I repeated my order to her at least 3 times all the while wondering if she was high on something.

When my meal was ready, of course it was not right. I returned it twice and on the third remake of my burger, it was still wrong.

I just shook my head and accepted that my fate this evening was to have a pretty bad burger.

It made me appreciate when I do get good service.

My rambling thoughts about this lack of personal attention landed right on my heart later  in the evening.

I attended a meeting tonight where a young lady was teaching about worship. She asked the group "what is worship"? A few people answered in various ways and the speaker gave her definition of worship.

All of the answers were good ones.

My experience at the restaurant hit home. Isn't it funny how God will use the most inane life experiences to grab your attention?

Because my thoughts about "what is worship" were: Giving to God our undivided and undistracted attention, our love, our worries, our pain and emotions, our trust and hopes and obedience in our prayer, our songs of praise, our speech and actions.

He inhabits our praise and worship. There is a flow of love and communication back and forth between the worshiper and the Worshiped.

In Spirit and in Truth.

The result is perfection.

I am thankful that when I talk with God and spend time with Him, He is paying attention to me and focused on our conversation.

Can you imagine presenting your prayer requests to God only to see Him listening to someone else while pretending to listen to you?

Then again, maybe God feels the same frustration when He tries to communicate with us and we don't pay any attention to Him. (which is not a good idea)

I confess, sometimes I am distracted by other things when He is talking to me.

Can we do this over, Lord?

Thank You for the bad burger tonight.

You got my attention.

My entire focus is on You and what You want.

Seek God.. He is not far. Worship Him. Give Him your time and attention. He is always listening and makes sure our prayers are answered perfectly every time.

Ramble on.

Sunday, February 7, 2016

Maybe

You know they prayed.   Like most parents to be, they prayed for their unborn child.   They prayed for health, they prayed for blessings.  

Imagine their hearts breaking  and their disappointment when their son was born with a birth defect. 

Where was the blessing?  Where was the joy of having a newborn son?  What had they done to deserve this? 

Their treasure was born blind.

The wailing began.  The prayers began... the sacrifices began.  

To no avail.

Their son was not healed by their faith or their prayers or their tears.   He was blind.

Sometimes life is just hard and you don't get what you want.    You don't get what you pray for.

You live with disappointment and the disability.

Why?

WHY?!

We tend to meet such disappointments with the ache of anger and broken dreams.

Years later, after this child was grown into a man, he would spend his life begging.   It seems that was the only source of income for someone with such a disability.  

Every one knew him as the blind beggar.

Until one day when his life changed.

Until one day when he met Jesus.

Jesus and his disciples came along and there the man was begging.

Curious, the disciples asked Jesus who was to blame for this man's blindness?   Surely someone had sinned to cause it.  His parents?  Him?

Jesus explained  “Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but that the works of God should be revealed in him.    I must work the works of Him who sent Me while it is day;  the night is coming.  As long as I am in the world, I am the light of the world."

What?

God planned this?    He picked this set of parents to have a child born without sight?   

This man was born blind and spent his entire life with this horrific disability.... so that one day Jesus would heal him and God would be given the glory?  

So that people would see God working?   So that maybe someone would see the Light?

People asked questions.   All the blind man could do was give Jesus the credit, give the Son of God the glory.   He didn't bemoan the life he had spent blind.   He rejoiced in the miracle of his new sight!

When asked,  he replied  “If this Man were not from God, He could do nothing.”

When he saw Jesus for the first time,  he exclaimed "Lord, I believe."  And he worshipped Him.

Maybe... just maybe... this thing that you are going through is not about you.   

Huh?

Maybe... just maybe.. you have been chosen from before time.... part of a plan.

Maybe... just maybe.... your unanswered prayers will have a greater answer than you can imagine.

Maybe ... just maybe... this thing that you are going through is going to be used to show the works of the Lord and give Him the glory. 

If you allow Him to answer your need in His way....

If you trust Him with your disability... your situation... your pain... with your heart...

His answer will be perfect and your life will be changed in ways you can't even imagine.

Believe Him.   Worship Him.

(John 9: 1-41 NKJV)